Scratches
by Avada Cait-davra
Summary: Sirius has a secret. He likes Remus. But nothing can ever be simple, especially the scratches. RR SB/RL


So, this is another Sirius Remus fic for you all. Me and my bestest friend Sarah wrote this together over myspace. Cuz were that awesome. Please tell us what you think!!

Disclaimer: If i owned Harry Potter I would have a cool Brittish accent and not be wasting my time writing this. C:

In History of Magic, Sirius sat behing Remus. Today he sat, letting his mind wander as always, looking at the back of Remus's head; wishing his hands were burried in his sandy brown hair.

"Mr. Black?" Professor Binns asked.

"Yes?" he answered.

"Do you plan to answer my question?"

"Ah, yes. Dear professor, the answer is the unicorn rebellion of 1864."

"No." the teacher said flatly.

Remus raised his hand and said the correct answer, Sirius could always count on him to be paying attention. Sirius was sent into daydreaming again... He decided he was going to write Remus a note, if only to kill his boredom.

_'Dearest Remus,_

I am bored.'

Remus opened the letter and replied: _"I am terribly sorry. Pay attention?"_

Sirius answered: _'Are you kidding?'_

Remus just said no.

_'Fine,'_ Sirius wrote. _' I'll write you a poem then. Meet me at the astronomy tower. I will be there in an hour.'  
_  
Remus wrote: _'Fine, except we'll be in Herbology in an hour."_

_'I'm only good at making ryhmes, not so good at telling times. How about after we eat? Then up in the tower we can meet.'_

Remus laughed and sent his reply. _'Sure, Sirius.'_

--

Sirius was pacing across the stone floor of the astronomy tower. The windows looking to the night sky were illuminated by tiny stars and a crescent moon the color of champagne. Sirius wished he had some to calm his nerves.

He truly wanted to tell Remus that his feelings for him were more than brotherly, in fact they were borderline love. He felt it was now or never- that is if Remus even comes.

Sirius heard footsteps and turned to see a figure-it was Remus.

"Hello? Are you up here Sirius?"

Sirius moved across the room and greeted his friend, almost too enthusiastically.

"Remus! It's so good to see you!" Sirius noticed a piece of Remus's hair was in his face. He wanted to brush it over his ear.

"I just saw you at dinner Sirius," Remus looked confused but seemed to dismiss Sirius's mood, "what's going on?"

Sirius felt his heart start beating and was sure Remus might hear it. He pressed his hand to his chest and realized he had to tell Remus. He was driving himself crazy with his thoughts and fantasies. His daydreams were clouding his reality, he had to put an end to the madness.

"Remus I have something to tell you," His hands were shaking, his entire body was shaking.

"Okay, go ahead." said Remus.

Sirius realized he couldn't do it.

"You see that group of stars up there? I believe I have discovered a new constallation." His voice was a pitch higher than usual.

"Oh, well that's quite a possibility Sirius, you should tell professor tomorrow. I think I'm going to head back down to the dorm now. I have to give James his book back before he gets mad and puts fizzing wizzbees in my bed again. See you later."

Remus descended the stairs.

Sirius plopped down in the middle of the circular room. He ran his hands over the cool stones.

Defeated.

Sirius eventually found his way to back to the common room, after about a half hour of sitting and thinking how stupid he was for not telling Remus, his thoughts eventually drifting to the werewolf who was more than likely already in bed...and what Sirius could do with him in that bed...

"Stop!" he scolded himself, "You arent making it any better."

Sirius sighed and walked down the innumerable staircases to the common room. When he got there he saw James sitting in the glow of the only light in the whole room, Transfiguration book open on his lap, a look of deep confusion on his face.

"Hi, Sirius." He said, he sounded frustrated.

"Hey, James." Sirius answered and he noticed he sounded rather depressed.

"Hey..whats wrong?" James asked, looking up from his textbook.

"Um, nothing." Sirius answered.

"Yeah, like I believe that. Now, tell ol' Jamesy whats the problem."

"Okay, promise you won't tell anyone? And I mean anyone."

"I solemnly swear." James replied

Sirius took a huge gulp of air and launched into his story. "So, James, I have no idea what to do anymore. There's someone...and I like them a whole lot, but I just cant tell them. Every time i get around them I get all...crazy inside and don't know what to do."

"Oooh, who's the girl this time??" James inquired enthusiastically. "And since when are you nervous around ladies?"

"I...neversaiditwasagirl." Sirius mumbled, all one word.

James let his book fall to the floor. "What?" he asked, poking a finger in his ear to be sure he'd heard right.

"I...it's...not a girl.."

"Oh my God! Oh my God! Sirius! Youre gay?!"

"So, scream it to the whole school why dont you?"

"Oh my God...ew, Sirius!" James said, incredulous. "Who is it?"

"I dont think I want to tell you now."

"Well, you have to."

"No, youre mad."

"Do I know him?"

"You might."

"OH MY GOD! ITS REMUS!"

Sirius wanted more than anything to have told some one else, any one else. He never thought James would react like this.

"So, you hate me now, right?"

"I...think...I might.." James said as he walked away, leaving Sirius alone yet again to think about things he should have said differently. Sirius couldnt help it when the tears began to well up in his eyes...

--

Remus lay in his warm bed, thinking. He was replaying what had just happened in the astronomy tower over and over in his head. Siris had been acting so strange lately. He always seemed awkward whenever he was around Remus, especially if it was just the two of them. Remus would sometimes catch Sirius staring at him from across the room, and when Remus would look over, Sirius would hold his gaze a bit too long before looking away. The scary part was, in a way, Remus liked the attention, and in the astronomy tower...the way the moon reflected in Sirius's eyes...he didn't know what it was making him feel.

He was trying to find something to compare the feeling to, when James burst in.

"Remus I need to talk to you. I know it's late but this is important."

"Go away James, I'm really tired and I'm not feeling well."

James ripped the blankets off of Remus's body and plopped down on the bed.

"Remus it's important, this is about Sirius!"

Remus felt his heart skip. Was it worry? Or...?

"Okay, what is it James? You have my attention now."

"So Sirius came up to me and told me something just now...I don't know how to say it...um...he's gay."

"Oh..." was the only sound Remus could make come out.

"OH! That's all you can say!? We have a crisis here Remus! And him being gay isn't even the worst part. He likes someone!" James was getting flustered.

"It's his choice, I don't see what the big deal is James..."

"You don't understand Remus... It's you!"

Remus's heart stopped. Was he worried? afraid? confused?...happy?...very happy?...was he...smiling?

The truth was, he was all of the above. He was worried and afraid of what James's reaction would be if he ever found out his secret. He was confused as to whether or not he even had a secret. He was very happy that Sirius liked him, but confused again about why that made him so elated.

"Why in Merlin's name are you smiling?!" James asked.

"I..I'm not." Remus said. "I told you I was tired."

"Thats all you have to say?! You dont care that your best friend...likes you?!"

Remus yawned. "Well, like I said it's his choice. But, James, really, let me sleep now? I'll talk to him about it."

"Fine, fine. Set him straight." James said and left. Remus couldnt help but chuckle at his choice of words.

Remus didnt sleep much that night. He lay awake thinking over what James had said and how Sirius had been acting, until he heard the rest of the boys come upstairs and settle in to their beds. He heard Sirius plop down on the bed closest to his. Judging by his breathing, he seemed angry..or upset. Remus wanted more than anything to go cheer him up, but stayed where he was. He listened to the sound of Sirius's breathing until it evened out and lulled him to sleep.

The next morning Remus awoke after everyone and went down to the Great Hall for breakfast. He cast a quick look around the table and didn't see Sirius anywhere. He wasn't in his first three classes, either.

"He's not avoiding me..is he?" Remus thought desperately.

--

"I'm avoiding him, aren't I?" Sirius asked himself. He was crouched in a narrow passageway discovered long ago, used by him and his friends hundreds of times. His knees were pulled to his chest and he was shaking. It was freezing down here. He pulled his cloak tighter around himself.

"Well, avoiding him is better than the alternative." Sirius tried to convince himself. The embaressment that Sirius felt about this strange forbidden love for his friend was a good enough reason to hide here for an eternity.

All of a sudden, Sirius heard footsteps approaching. A bobbing light appeared and started growing closer. Sirius started to panic. Who could it be? Only he and his friends knew about this passageway. If that was so then maybe it was...his heart started beating and it felt like there were hundreds of little winged animals in his stomach.

"There you are Sirus!" Remus's wand light illuminated his face very dramatically in the dark tunnel. His cheekbones were more prominent than ever. He was holding the marauder's map. Obviously his tool used to find Sirus.

"Remus..." was all Sirius could manage. Remus extended a hand down towards Sirius to help him up. As Sirius reached back, his robe sleeves fell to his elbows. Distinct lines patterned Sirius's arms. "What happened to your arm, Sirius?" Remus's voice dripped with concern. "Did something attack you down here?" He began to scan the passageway. Sirius pulled his sleeve back into place. "It's nothing Remus." he assured his friend.

They walked out of the passageway in a heavy silence. Each having so much to say to the other, but not knowing where to begin. Overhead, going unseen by the two Hogwarts students, floated the moon. By tomorrow night it would be full.

"Sirius, are...are you okay?" Remus asked tentatively.

"Yup, Im great." Sirius answered.

Remus sighed. Sirius always did that when everything was far from great. Remus wanted more than anything to sit down with Sirius and talk about everything he had heard in the past few days. Even though he had tried to convince himself his feelings for Sirius were purely brotherly, he had long given up on kidding himself.

"Well, Im a little tired, will you tell James that I'm in the dorms so he dosent freak?" Sirius cinged when Remus mentioned James.

"Um, I dont think Ill be talking to James."

"Oh, well...tell Peter to tell him?"

"Sure. Are you okay Moony?" Sirius asked. He wanted to wrap his arms around the wolf and never let go.

"Yeah, its just full moons tomarow, you know?"

"Right.." Sirius said and proceeded to dinner.

Once there, Sirius carefully avoided James's cold gaze. Sirius knew the face all too well, a face of annoyance, hurt, and immaturity all combined into one. He tried not to pay attention when he leaned closer to Peter and whispered something that made the latter's eyes practically pop out of his head. It would have been comical, but Sirius knew they were talking about him.

"Wormtail!" Sirius said snapping the chubby boy out of his reverie. "Moony said for me to tell you to tell James that he was in the dormitory."

"Why cant you tell James?" Peter asked, oblivious to the glare Sirius was getting from eyes behind round glasses.

"Because James is a prick." Sirius said getting up. "Excuse me."

Sirius again walked up to the dorms, where he knew Remus was. He didnt want to go up there, but he had no other choice. He was about to sit on his bed and pull the hangings closed when he heard Remus whimpering from behind his own.

"Rem?" Sirius asked, opening the boy's curtains. Remus was asleep, dreaming about something horrible, tears streaming down his face. Sirius had no idea what to do.

_The moon was full and Remus was running. Running running running. Running on all fours then on two legs, like a man again. How he only wished to be a man again and not be running right now. His jaw felt awkward and his breathing was uneven. His back felt like it had been broken in five places, and he was tired. So very tired. And now he was crying. Crying and running and breathing. Why did everything seem so repetitive? Why did he feel like he was being a spectator to his own deterioration? Why did he keep looking around to see it anyone was watching...to see if Sirius was watching...so he wouldn't hurt him...He felt as if he was loosing his mind. He could feel the beast taking over, much more than the man now. Was he ever even a man to begin with? And still, he was running, and still, he was crying. He looked to the moon and howled. But now he was shaking- a lot. Why was he shaking? It felt like the earth was moving... he felt sick.  
_  
And then he opened his eyes.

Sirius was sitting over him on his bed, shaking him awake.

Remus grabbed him in an embrace.

Sirius accepted.

"Rem?" Sirius said softly as he was wrapped in shaking arms. He melted into the embrace. It was so wrong, but perfect at the same time. He wanted this moment to last forever, when the door to the common room opened.

"MERLIN!" James yelled as he saw what was going on, or thought he saw what was going on. "My god, you guys! Are all my friends gay?!" he stormed out.

"Siri...what's his problem?" Remus asked, knowing full well what the problem was.

"Nothing, I dont know. Are you okay?"

"I guess...I will be." Remus answered. "They never leave me alone, you know."

"Who doesn't?"

"Not who. Them. The nightmares. I don't think they ever will."

"I'm truly sorry Remus."

"It's not your fault, Sirius." Remus looked up at his dark haired best friend. Was that all though? Was he only a friend? Remus didnt want to answer that question. Sirius was sitting next to Remus on the bed. He was so close, Remus could breathe in his scent. He wanted to memorize it. He wanted it to fill his dreams instead of awful things that were usually there.

He was looking straight into Sirius's icy blue eyes and feeling himself leaning closer to the others face. Their lips were almost touching. Remus felt his heart stop, and his stomach explode in butterflies. Obviously, this was meant to be.

When, at the last minute Sirius pulled away, a shocked look on his face.

Sirius's world was working in slow motion. His legs felt like they didn't exist as he got up to walk across the room. He didn't look back at Remus's face- not for a second. He didn't want his heart to tear more than it already had.

His stomach was a mix of butterflies and nausea. He didn't feel real as he walked down the cold stone stairs and through the common room. His lips were still slightly parted from when he began to pull away and he felt the intense urge to snap them shut, but he didn't want to. His breathing was coming unevenly and he needed to calm it. Sirius avoided James's cold, assuming, eyes when he passed him sitting in an overstuffed armchair-- laughing with friends. Sirius missed the simplicity he had only a few days ago.

Sirius didn't understand why he had pulled away. Everything was right. The moment, the feelings, the person... He couldn't lie to himself anymore. If he couldn't be honest with Remus, he had to at least be honest with himself. He exited the portrait hole and ignored the Fat Lady's comments, partially because he couldn't hear them. His thoughts were too loud, too clouded. He was in love.

Why had he pulled away? He wanted this to happen. Though maybe, he thought, he had pulled away becuase this wasn't what was supposed to be happening. This wasn't right. He was supposed to be swooning over some girl, not dreaming of snogging some guy. This wasn't right, this wasn't fair. Why did he have these feelings? Why couldn't things just be normal? He had reached the end of the long hallway. He wanted to turn around, enter the common room as if nothing had happened, and climb into his warm bed, but that was impossible now. Nothing could ever be normal again.

He began the long walk back to the Fat Lady's portrait. "Digglyheimer" he said sorrowfully, and she swung open for him. Everyone was in bed by this point. Sirius climbed the stairs to the Boy's rooms and plopped down on his bed. For a second he thought he saw Remus looking at him, but at second glance, his friend was fast asleep. Soon enough Sirius was in a dream himself. The next thing he knew it was morning.

Sirius didnt want to get out of bed the next day. All he wanted to do was stay in his four poster and pretend everything was normal and nothing was complicated or confusing or hurtful. Too bad life doesn't work like that.

Sirius forced himself out of bed and walked to the bathroom. He looked at himself in the mirror. Somehow, he was not the same boy he'd been two days ago. He had bags under his eyes, from not sleeping last night no doubt, but apart from that he had never noticed how his hair hung around his head. Had it always looked like that? The way it looked made him want to pull it out at the roots then and there. And his cheekbones. Did they always stick out that far?

"God, Im hideous." Sirius said to himself "Who could like me? Not him. No, last night was just...he wasnt in his right mind. He was half asleep. He didnt know it was me." Sirius pushed his sleeve up roughly to his elbow. He looked disdainfully at the red lines covering his skin. He reached into his pocket and found the small piece of glass he had found that day in the passageway. He found a patch of unmarked skin and dug the glass into it. He was immediately awarded with crimson brimming over his skin. He breathed deeply, welcoming the pain- it erased most of his thoughts. All his problems were cleansed with the blood that had flowed in a thin line down to his elbow.

The door opened. Remus walked in. Sirius jumped half a mile and hastily dropped his sleeve and pocketed the shard of glass. Remus looked over at Sirius and Sirius looked down quickly, avoiding eye contact with the wolf. He tried to hide his face, he didnt want Remus to see it. Sirius quickly left the bathroom, and Remus.

Remus walked over to the sink, and noticed a smudge of red in it. His nose immediately twitched. His wolf sense picked up the scent in no time at all.

Blood.

Sirius's.

Remus walked out of the bathroom and found Sirius almost at the end of the hallway. He called out to his friend, but Sirius just kept walking, pretending not to hear. Remus ran and finally caught up with Sirius. He grabbed him by the back of his robes and spun him around.

"Siri, I smelled blood in the bathroom..." was all he could manage. Remus knew. Somehow he just knew the origin of the blood. He knew where it came from and how- he only wished he had relized what was going on earlier. He wanted to yell or scream at Sirius, but he also wanted to hug him. Grab his face in his strong arms and sqeeze until the boy couldn't breathe- but out of love.

Remus finally let his embrace fall. He looked Sirius right in the eyes and studied them along with the rest of his face. Remus hadn't noticed how gaunt his face was and how tired he looked. But Remus overlooked that- Sirius was still gorgeous even as he began to cry.

"Now you know..." Sirius managed between tears. "Look at me...my hair is a mess, I look like I haven't slept, my face is too boney..." Sirius stopped again and pushed up his sleeve to reveal a few cuts down his arm with half dried blood caked to his arm and robes. "and now my arms look horrible..." he began to cry harder.

All Remus could do was hold his friend, and tell him everything would be okay. Though he didn't truly believe that himself.

"Come on," Remus finally managed. "Let's go for a walk."

Sirius let the sleeve of his robe fall back down and pulled his robe tighter around him. He slowly followed Remus back down the corridor. He wanted to ask where they were going, but didn't want his voice to betray the fact that he was still crying.

Remus led him up a few flights of stairs and they finally emerged at the atronomy tower. Remus turned to look at his friend, his face still sticky from tears.

"Sirius, we really need to talk." he said.

"Why? So you can tell me you never want to talk to me again? To tell me you hate me like James did?"

"He said that to you?" Remus asked.

"He might as well have."

"Sirius, Im not going to say any of that to you." Remus started, but Sirius cut him off.

"You don't have to talk to me, I already know what youre going to say. I'm too messed up for someone like you. You don't even like boys, and I know it. You deserve some one so much better than me, some one so much better looking than me. Some one who isn't so pathetic that they have to hurt themselves to keep from going insane." Sirius ranted. Remus kept trying to cut in, but Sirius kept on going. "Someone who-"

Remus's lips collided against Sirius's, stoping his sentence mid-word. Remus really couldn't think of another way to shut the boy up. When Sirius gets going, there's no way to get a word in.

Remus closed his eyes and lost himself in the other boy's soft lips. Sirius's eyes however were wide open, lost in shock and surprize. What was going on? This was not happening. It couldnt be. Remus liked GIRLS.

Remus pulled away, a little reluctantly.

"Okay if I talk now?" Remus asked. Sirius nodded, too dumbstruck to talk. "Right. First off, I do like boys." Remus smiled.

"Y-you do?" Sirius was shaking and he couldn't feel his legs. He looked down, they were there all right. He felt like he was floating. A warm feeling had washed over him. He no longer felt cold or scared. He looked into Remus's eyes.

The butterflies in his stomach were threatening to bring him to his knees.

"Yes." Remus responded. "Isn't it obvious?"

"But, you never...I mean no one knew...you never told anyone..." Sirius was still confused.

"What do you want me to do Sirius?" Remus's eyes were smiling, matching the wide grin on his lips. "Get up during dinner in the great hall, throw down my napkin, and yell 'Ladies and gentlemen, I like boys!' I don't think that would have worked out too well." He laughed again.

Sirius couldn't help but join him. Now that he had smiled he couldn't stop. He felt giddy. He had something that, before now had only been obtainable in his dreams, he didn't want to lose it. But he felt like that was inevitable. He didn't deserve Remus.

"Remus," He protested. "I just don't understand, why me? Why out of all the people at Hogwarts did you pick me? What makes me so special? How could you chose someone so broken, who hurts themselves, just so they can get through the day? I don't deserve someone like you. Someone who has such a strong sense of self, and someone so strong. You should be sitting in front of a warm fire right now with some handsome boy, instead of in this cold tower with-"

Remus was forced to stop Sirius's desperate ramblings with his lips again. They were dangerous weapons when the occasion called for their expertise. This kiss was longer, and slower. More passionate, more convincing. They eventually pulled away.

"That is the second time I have been forced to kiss you." Remus laughed. "Can I plead my case now?"

Sirius nodded. Though he would have loved to keep rambling, just so Remus would be forced to stop him again. But he decided against it.

"I don't want some random boy in front of some silly fire. I'm not looking for someone who doesn't have troubles. I'm not looking for perfection. I've allready found my definition of perfection. And I will never have to look again. I'm willing to accept you for who you are. I will take the good and the bad. You are the only one I want to be with Sirius. You have to understand that. I don't care what anyone thinks-"

Sirius had heard enough, it was his turn to shut someone up with a kiss. As they kissed, Remus opened his eyes a sliver. He happened to see out a window in the tower. It was dark outside and windy. The clouds were moving slowly. Peeking out behind one was the moon, the full moon.

Remus broke away from the kiss.

"Oh no..." he groaned.

"Hey. Rem, whats wrong?" Sirius asked. Remus didnt answer, just stared into the pool of moonlight streaming into the tower. Sirius followed his gaze and cursed under his breath. "Cmon, lets get down stairs."

"I don't...I don't think theres time." Remus whimpred.

"Oh shit, oh shit." Sirius said as Remus doubled over on the floor. Sirius took out his wand and cast a silencing spell around the room and a locking charm on the door. Remus moaned and Sirius was soon by his side.

"Sirius, Im sorry..."

"Shut up. Don't be sorry." Sirius said. Remus screamed.

"Don't..don't look at me..." Remus muttered and Sirius backed away and faced the wall. He never liked anyone to look at him when he transformed. He had told Sirius it made him feel like he was part of a freak show, and Sirius couldnt blame him.

"You okay, love?" Sirius called. Remus's reply came in the form of a snarl. Sirius turned around just as the wolf was launching himself at him- smelling human flesh and blood, not knowing who he was, not caring. Sirius quickly, deftly turned into a dog and jumped into the air to combat the attack.

It went on like that for quite some time- roars and snarls, jaws cracking shut, teeth gnashing. Sirius preventing Remus from hurting himself by providing a distraction. Soon, the moon stopped casting its evil light on the night.

Remus gasped and stopped moving. Sirius turned away again, out of respect to his earlier request, and turned only when Remus called his name breathlessly from the floor. Sirius turned and crossed the room. He knelt next to Remus and covered him in his cloak, placing a kiss on his forehead.

"Are you alright?" Remus asked. That was just like him, worrying about everyone else before himself.

"Im fine, are you okay?"

"I will be, I always am."Remus said. Sirius wrapped his arm around his werewolf. That felt good to think. "HIS werewolf."

"What are we going to do about the scratches?" Remus asked. Sirius was confused, a little hurt. His arms were bare and he thought Remus was refering to his scars.

"Um." Sirius said, looking down.

"On the wall, love." Remus said, lightly kissing the most promininent scar on the arm around his waist. Sirius looked to the wall and saw a collage of scratches in the stone,made by a wolf and dog.

"This." Sirius took out his wand, and made most of the scratches dissappear. He rearranged the last few to create a sentence. He was in the way of his work, Remus couldnt tell what it said. Sirius moved out of the way after admiring his handiwork.

"S.O.B. R.J.L. 3/7/86"

--

THE END! I hope you liked it. I did. A lot. I know I didn't exactly tie things up with James. Sarah said I should just say something like "James was all alone and sad. Forever. But he did meet Lily. Then they had a son. Then he died. The end." heh. Pretty please review!!


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